


or devotion to the welfare

by Code16, comtessedebussy



Series: briar vine [1]
Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Magic, Alternate Universe - Slavery, Enslaved Mages, Fear, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Mage!Harold, Mage!John, Not!Fic, Other, Punishment, Self-Sacrifice, Self-Worth Issues, Torture, Torture by proxy, Whipping proxy, chatfic, empath powers, mention of broken bones, whipping boy, whipping mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-27 07:34:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8392789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Code16/pseuds/Code16, https://archiveofourown.org/users/comtessedebussy/pseuds/comtessedebussy
Summary: Some chatfic about an enslaved mages world where mage!John is mage!Harold's whipping boy of sorts.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Code16: So a few months back comtessedebussy and I had a few conversations about some enslaved mages verses where mage!John is basically mage!Harold's whipping boy. And when I saw [discussion of whipping boys coming around](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/post/152091013355/for-the-meme-whipping-boy-au-pros-enforced), she gave me permission to post some of it.

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

au where Harold is a powerful mage but not free, and him and his holders have like... a detente of sorts. He does certain things they want but not all things, they show certain other people more mercy than they'd otherwise tend to, they don't go around torturing people to get at him, he's generally cooperative 

and yeah but then in the au Harold also needs - something more, psychologically. And the CIA wants to have better leverage

so they have him pick someone. To be like. A companion. And if he does fairly minor things they don't like, they're going to hurt *that* person. (So - basically a whipping boy)

it's more convenient than having to go find a someone-around to torture

and so John gets picked for this

(John being himself a mage here also)

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

ooh

maybe like

john and harold have worked togehter on missions before

and the cia handlers noticed that they ...get along

quite well

john is the only one harold isn't curt and frustrated with

and they're like

'hmm...he'll do"

and they make him basically harold's whipping boy

and of course

john is always like

"if you have a chance to save someone innocent do it, it doesn't matter if i get hurt afterwards"

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

oh hm! for that how they get together idea!

oh I hadn't even thought of that

bless of course he would

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

i mean

they're not gonna pick a random mage and hope harold gets attached to him

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

no

well, in my original thought *Harold* has to pick 

and so like. Harold had noticed John, who was having a miserable time where he was, and who has certain psych attributes

because like. At least there's some things Harold can do for him, even if he's getting him tortured on a regular basis. In some ways it might be an improvement. And at least he seems to - deal ok with *being* tortured.

and so of course John gets attached to Harold

(and Harold gets attached to John!)

but Harold has this underlying like. Guilt-type feeling like. He brought John into *this*. Even as like. Well, he doesn't have many choices

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

maybe

after the torture

harold secretly, like, heals john

or maybe he secretly gives him, ilke, amulets and protective spells he's not supposed to have

and also if harold wasn't getting john tortured somebody else probably would anyway

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

(John would be all 'no don't give those to me'

'if you break the rules over me it'll only get worse, and they might not only hurt me next time')

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

oh yeah

not ever thinking about himself

but harold and others

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

of course

 

[**comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

and that of course is why harold find shimself caring about john

because he's so selfless

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

and like. Harold does what he can. John can have some nice things sometimes when he's *not* being the punishment-by-proxy

Harold can be with him when he's hurt 

(the CIA would want that; they'd want Harold to be right there)

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

they would

harold would do his best to stay impassive

to not show them how much it gets to him

that they're hurting john

but he wouldn't be able to quite do it

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

that might just get them to hurt John *more*

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

and they'd probably have, like, some spell in place

like, 'if you come any closer and try to save john it'll trigger this spell and he dies'

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

 

and like

John honestly feeling this is the best he's had in his life

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

omg

it IS the best he's had

because nobody else has ever CARED

or wanted to help him SAVE people

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

He's helping Harold, who's doing all these things that really matter.

And he's getting hurt, but it means something

And he has Harold

yeah

like. *He* doesn't have the power to challenge the CIA or  anything. He never has. But he can be part of Harold's work

and Harold *cares* about him. When he's hurt Harold is there

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

and if he has to get hurt, well, john knows how to take it

he's used to it

it's nothing new, anyway

but at least now him getting hurt has a purpose

like, he's not being hurt for failing

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

yeah. It means something

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

exactly

and that helps him bear it

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

also Harold being there for him helps

even when it gets really, really bad

(which it does, because the downside of John being good at taking it is that the CIA escalates)

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

maybe they let harold hold his hand

because harold

with his powers

can maybe feel what john feels

or maybe john can't quite keep it in

and radiates it a little bit

like maybe harold is a bit of an empath

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

yeah, and they want Harold as close as possible

to really get the impression

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

as close as possible

but "if you try to free him or save him...."

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

(oh bless, in the CIA that would be *awful* for him (being an empath))

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

but still, even being an empath, harold only gets to feel a little bit of what john feels

well, it's more like

i don't think he feels what everyone feels

just if he's very close to someone physically (and emotionally, maybe)

it's not like it's radio waves all over the place

so the fact that he's close to john

is what lets him feel it

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

ah got it

(imagining if he's a bit more of am empath. And like. Sometimes taking solace in John's emotions. As a rest from like. The CIA in general, feeling them)

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

that leaves open all sorts of possibilites

like

maybe his empath powers are a bit vulcan-like

where they can communicate in their minds long distance

but only if they're emotionally close

like

vulcans can bond with someone emotionally

and then they can talk telepathically

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

ooh

maybe Harold originally noticed John through his emotions...

but yeah like

if Harold even confesses his 'guilt' to John

like 'you shouldn't care for me, I got you into this situation'

John will very much be like 'and I'm glad and grateful to be here'

and like 'yes, your reasoning was exactly correct, I'm clearly a good choice for this job'

John thanking Harold

and Harold like 'eep' a bit

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

(on another side: the CIA knowing they can really, really hurt John. Because even things that John's magic can't handle - Harold's can)

maybe sometimes they want the punishment to linger, so they're like 'you can heal this and this but this other thing we're leaving for a bit'

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

ooh

yeah

making harold heal john afterwards

but not completely

and just the process of healing him

so that he has to look at and concentrate on every single injury and mark

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

ooh

oh I hadn't thought of it like that!

yes

so he has to go over them all twice, basically (when they were inflicted and then again)

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

yes

it can be this absolutely bittersweet scene

where harold is basically providing aftercare

and they let him

they let him be gentle and take care of john

because they know how awful harold feels

and that taking care of john isn't actually going to make him feel *better*

(though it might make john feel better to have harold take care of him, like, harold is helping him do good things and save people AND takes care of him afterwards what more could he ask for)

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

yeah (oh John)

(he might not... admit it, for a while. But he'd really feel it)

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

well

if harold's an empath

he'd be able to feel the relief john feels

when harold touches him

though at first he thinks that's just relief at being healed

and only later realizes it's relief that harold is ...there

taking care of him

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

of course he wouldn't realize it's for him right away...

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

(also

Some event when they're particularly angry. So they *don't* let Harold provide aftercare. They let him heal John exactly as much as needed for John not to die. And then they make him leave him there)

(and if Harold is an empath he can feel like. John doesn't want to let this hurt. It's the way it is, he knows Harold made the right call, whatever it was. He doesn't want to care about not having this. But - it does. It hurts him) 

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

oh bless

or john and harold on missions together

arguing about the right call

and harold is always so torn

because the right call means punishment for john

he doesn't want to hurt innocents and he doesn't want to hurt john

and so often john is like

"harold, let the innocent go, I know the consequences and they are worth it"

"and the consequences fall on me so it's my choice anyway"

and harold reluctantly agreeing

and just

i'm still not over harold being able to feel some of john's pain

during

but also after

harold feeling the lingering pain

and how much the lack of aftercare hurt

harold feeling how lonely john feels without him, nursing the rest of his wounds and thinking about harold

(maybe eventually they figure out a way to talk telepathically because harold is so powerful)

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

(And of course this means that John is indeed an *effective* whipping boy for Harold emotionally...)

that image...

"(maybe eventually they figure out a way to talk telepathically because harold is so powerful)" I feel like they'd want to *avoid* that because like. If the CIA ever found out they'd see at conspiring together. And probably kill John.

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

I have an even better image rn  ;)

Of, like, them hurting John all sorts of ways and leaving a whipping for last

And when they cut him down he falls down and doesn't have the strength to stand

And they tell harold

Fix him

And Harold comes over to John and kneels by him

And John looks up at him and says

I'm OK, Harold

Except he can't even get up and he's all bloody and Harold can feel his pain

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

I had this other thought like 

There's one of those 'Harold has to make the call' moments.

and maybe John's just been punished very recently and brutally.

and of course John is still very much 'make the call Harold, I can take it'

and he means it

but Harold can feel like. How it's costing him, the will he's putting into it. How internally, emotionally, he can't stop himself from dreading it, from knowing how horrible what will happen will be.

Even as he never lets that out, is completely determined to endure whatever he has to.

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

Oh john

What call does Harold end up making?

I need to know

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

The one he knows he has to. The one John's also telling him to make.

  

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

Afterwards, Harold holding John while John can't stop shaking

even after the healing's been done and physically he's fine

and he *wants* to be fine. He doesn't want Harold worrying about him. But sometimes he just - can't

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

Like

The psychological toll, not just the physical

At least they let Harold hold him, after

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

yeah

*now imagining Harold like. Actually begging on John's behalf*

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

Which risks making it worse, probably

Or, you know, this is a great situation for take me instead

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

like 'you've inflicted your punishment, I understand, please let me help him, he's {well, not only human, but}'

John wouldn't like Harold begging for him

He'd be all 'I'm not worth it, don't spend yourself on me like that'

and Harold just like. Given everything he - he can't take John talking about himself like that, John thinking that of himself.

And just trying to tell John how strong and brave he is, how much Harold is in awe of him, how much it means that John can do what he does...

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

Yeah, Harold providing praise as aftercare

And maybe..Harold begging by saying, he's not as strong as me, you don't have to punish him so harshly

But John..internalizes that

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

eep 

Also John like '...Harold have they done all this to you before?'

(and it... has irony in it, because like. Half the reason Harold has a whipping boy to begin with, aside from effectiveness, is the CIA has noted that torturing *him* compromises his efficiency)

(because like. The thing is, Harold is *also* very strong willed and determined. And if the CIA is like 'do it how we said or we will break half the bones in your body and set you on fire' - Harold will do what he needs to do. The end. But then if they actually do the thing his psyche - doesn't cope very well, the psych aftereffects are *really bad* and last a while. But then the next time he'll *do it again anyway*.

So. Proxy.)

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

omg

so, like, harold won't break under torture

but the psychological aftereffects will make him less efficient

and also like

harold seems like the type of person to be bothered more by someone else's suffering than his own

especially if that suffering is his fault

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

yeah

that's the effectiveness reason

his pain might, well, harm him. But someone else's is what might actually give him pause

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

and that would also give credence to, like

Harold begging "don't hurt him as badly as you hurt me, he's not as strong as me"

which might be true superficially, harold is a more powerful mage

but when it comes to willpower

i don't think either one of them is 'stronger'

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

no. Harold is a stronger mage, John is better at coping with torture. But they both just have *really strong willpower*

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

yeah

man i just have so many thoughts about aftercare, though

because the fact that they let harold heal john afterwards

and be with him

...seems lenient at first

until they realize

it makes harold feel *worse*

to see up close what they did to john

and taking care of john makes him feel a little better but on the whole being with john afterwards, with the aftereffects of the torture 

is just crushing for harold

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

they're also trying to encourage the emotional connection. Because that make it more effective

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

exactly

 

[**findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

(and like, as noted, they are navigating this carefully, they want to control Harold but also keep him effective and cooperative)

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

like

this only works

if harold gives a damn about john

which makes me think

maybe they tried a different whipping boy before john, so to speak

(dillinger?)

and harold was like

"he's an asshole"

"i don't like people suffering in general but i don't have an emotional connection to this guy"

and then they realize

they need to find a mage that'll click with harold

one that seems to have harold's absurd altruism

and they find john

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

I was actually thinking the other way

like. I don't think Harold would want well, people in general tortured. Let alone because of him.

But again, they want to calibrate this pretty carefully

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

"one that seems to have harold's absurd altruism" mm (yeah they... rather match, that way)

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

and yeah

hurting john would probably make harold more effective on the whole

as a way to protect john

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

yes

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

yeah, i think harold would be generally against torture

but he wouldn't go out of his way to be a super effective mage to protect someone like dillinger

or sit with their head in his lap afterwards

ironically harold and john's matching altruism is why neither of them breaks

they torture john plenty in front of harold

and yet neither of them shows any signs of repentance

or changing

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

yeah

well. harold would try to be compliant when like. It's not an awful choice thing.

because he doesn't want to antagonize them when he doesn't *have* to

and if this method wasn't working at all they'd escalate

but on those important things

yeah

they're not changing

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

exactly

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

and yeah like

like I said, my original idea

is that the CIA also recognizes that well. Isolation isn't psych good for people

so they want Harold to have an emotional companion basically

as well as a whipping boy

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

killing two birds with one stone

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

and having those be the same person, well. Even better for both sides of it

because Harold bonds with the person through the pain and care

and bonding with the person means their pain hurts him even more

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

you know

maybe for that reason

john tries to push him away at first

because he knows how the cia works

he knows what they're doing

or maybe

actually

this is probably better

john doubts that he's important enough for harold to care about him

or his pain

he's no one

he's a lowly mage

he's not that important

etc

it takes so long for harold to convince john that he does matter to harold

and when harold does

john is like

"you played right into their hands, harold"

but it's too late by then

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

mm

like I said, in mine

Harold took this as the best of options available

because when he doesn't have a designated effective whipping boy

the CIA punished him by torturing basically whoever they have on hand

and not all those people can endure torture as well as John

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

and the other thing is that john is willing to do it

he's not just good at it

he thinks it's worth it

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

yes

and like. The thing is. When it's someone who like. Who *can't* endure, who begs desperately (begs Harold desperately) to not do this to them

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

oh that sounds awful

poor..well

poor harold

but also poor person being tortured

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

like. Harold can force himself through it, tell himself there's more lives on the other end

but it's *horrible* for him, psychologically

like, again, not just suffering but like. Bad afterffects

and that's not good for anyone

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

yeah

all sorts of trauma aftereffects

like shutting down mentally

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

and yeah, poor eveyone

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

though, i dunno, i feel like at a certain point watching john, whom he cares about, be tortured, no matter how good he is at it, would start to have bad psychological aftereffects

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

I think that's part of why they usually allow him the aftercare

and like. Nice times with John

it's also aftercare for *Harold*

and I mean like. Obviously there's going to be some bad aftereffects - there's not really a way to *try to force people to do stuff through torture* that won't have *any*

but again, the CIA is trying to calibrate

to the best balance they can get between control and effectiveness

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

i will keep thinking about this

especially the aftercare

and the dynamics of it

because, like

harold will be holding john

a hurt john

and healing him

knowing that he's the reason john got hurt

and feeling guilty

and he would expect anger, someone who got hurt because of harold should be angry at him, but john isn't

john just closes his eyes and lets harold take care of him

and he looks so vulnerable

and so trusting

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

mm, yeah (maybe tries to reassure Harold even...)

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

as if harold isn't the reason he got hurt in the first place

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

and well. To John he *isn't*

the CIA is

Harold is the one who makes it mean something

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

and that might make harold feel even worse, how much John DOESN'T blame him

and how much he seeks comfort from harold

and yes this is true and john would see it that way and harold would rationally see it that way but irrationally would feel bad

because it's still his choices

that put john here

he's the one who makes the final call

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

and maybe on some level he feels like 'if I'm so smart and powerful, I should be able to come up with better ways'

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

yeah

and essentially john ends up being the one to provide harold aftercare by reassuring him that it's okay, it's not his fault, john's okay, it's all fine

(john's probably not okay but...)

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

well. Mutual aftercare

yeah...

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

and maybe one day they get into an argument over a number

because harold's like "john you've been punished twice in the past week we can't do this again"

and john being all "but she's innocent"

and harold knowing what the right choice is

but still arguing with john

and then john coming up to him and saying something like

"I can take it, just promise me you'll hold me afterwards"

  

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

and bless, that would just make it even worse, those times when Harold *isn't* permitted to hold John

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

*whispers* secret telepathy

anyway those thoughts

of maybe John, like,

being so willing to take it because he knows he'll get harold holding him afterwards

and that's what helps him get through it

and endure it

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

also Harold maybe feeling bad for like. John having to bear like. The making of that decision, here. Not only being tortured but being like 'yes, do it' knowing what will happen. 

Feeling like this is his, Harold's burden and responsibility to bear.

(which isn't true of course. That's *also* a thing he can need support with. And that's what he and John are both trying to do here - support each other)

 

[ **comtessedebussy** ****](http://comtessedebussy.tumblr.com/)

yeah, like, having to make that decision can't ever be easy for john

but also

harold would never want to make that decision FOR john

he wouldn't think he had the right

it's john who's going to be suffering

he should get some kind of say in the matter

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ****](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

I think for me it's the difference between like. Harold seeing what John says. And Harold going 'let's not' and thus John needing to be the one to like. *argue for* 'let's yes', across Harold.

 

[ **findundergrounddragoutofwater** ](http://findundergrounddragoutofwater.tumblr.com/)

also now imagining like

after one of the ones where they're not allowed aftercare. The moment however much time later when the punishment does end and they're allowed contact again.

Harold just wanting to hold John. Because contact but also to know like. Well, he's not *fine* of course but he's. Well.

And John like 'Harold you worry too much I went through this on my own plenty of times before I was here'. But Harold can sense his emotions and how it hurt and how much it is for him too for Harold to be here again. And John wants the touch just as much.

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from [a Merriam-Webster definition of altruism](http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/altruism).


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